Okay, I may have seriously burned any bridge to Deseret News/Book, and this following loose fiction (and farce) is what I should have sent, not that long lambaste. I am a devoted consumer of both and appreciate all the good they do.

If you don’t like introductions skip this paragraph. I wrote the following before the LDS Film Festival (which I beg you to believe, because I can’t prove it), but was afraid to post it because a)Since it is loose farce, it may offend some Mormons b)It shows the true depth of my insane devotion to both Richard Dutcher and John Moyer c)It may break new ground for “weird” and d)I’m just generally terrified of putting out there what I’m really inclined to write, which sometimes is things like this. I also want to point out that there are some strangely similar points in this which in my view emerged both in the way Haddock of the Deseret News reported the LDS film festival (I think she may have unintentionally attributed an idea to Dutcher that wasn’t his, and I thought it seemed her opinion hung on it) and in what Richard Dutcher said at the Festival (about balance). May the farce be with you..

I recently had the opportunity to fly in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints’ Air Church One helicopter high in the sky above Utah with film director Richard Dutcher in the pilot’s seat. This was for our annual Flying Dutchman’s Review of Mormon Cinema. .. I’ve never known why we call it that, though, and whether Dutcher has anything to do with anything Dutch, or whether he likes that song.. and I just realized that this year I forgot to ask him again.

A main topic of the conversation was his newest offering to the film genre, States of Grace, though myself I was asking him if he should really even identify it with the genre. “So what about the general falling out of Mormon Cinema?” I asked him. “In my opinion, so many weird Mormons don’t even want good Mormon movies when they come out.” Dutcher began to lose center and the helicopter leered to the left. I continued, “These uptight people..” - the helicopter lurched into a yaw and back, and Dutcher gave me a sudden panicked look - “..say your movies have ruined everything - but they’re wrong. It’s Mormons who ruin themselves.” The helicopter gave a sudden three-foot drop and wobbled wildly, so that I had to brace myself and Dutcher argued with his seat belt. “But I guess I’m leading the interviewee here, aren’t I?” He looked half-amused, but was also in the beginnings of a seizure of panic. As he wrestled the controls and tried to stabilize the copter, he threw in several turns of the face at me, a face that said “Don’t say that!” - alternating with sharp glances back to the Church’s Urim and Thummim, a set of pyramid-cut, very large clear diamond seer stones fastened in two small bows like old fashioned spectacles, fastened to the inside center of the helicopter’s windshield. I’d forgotten about the stones. They were now throbbing in a menacing black dullness within, a warning. Ordinarily if they glowed anything it was a hot diamond white, like light coming through a prism through which you see the spectrum of colors - the Church lent us these stones for this flight and interview. Joseph Smith claimed to use these stones by the power and gift of God to translate the Book of Mormon from ancient gold plates. Looking through the stones at an object, you can learn and see (by visions) the truth about that object - and the object can also be your own thoughts, which means you can see practically anything you want. Now I remembered the warning that Church President Gordon B. Hinkley gave us when he lent us the stones: “If you use these for any purpose other than glorifying God, He will strike you dead on the spot, and your helicopter will plummet wherever you are and crash and probably destroy some buildings. Make sure you’re over a brothel if you do that. Nuisances!” I was shocked and thought this was foul and violent. I was about to say so when Hinkley added “.. Oh, but make sure no one is in the building if you crash into it. We don’t want any people hurt. .. But I guess to know whether anyone is in the building, you’ll have to look through those stones at it.” Now I protested. “People are always in brothels! And that is so wrong! I’m not crashing into any building and killing anyone! And I’m not looking through a seer stone into a.. brothel!” He smiled and patted my shoulder. “Trust me, you wouldn’t see anything you shouldn’t. And it’s all in good fun. I didn’t really mean it at all.” He began walking away and turned to add: “..How would you know people are always in brothels?” with a wink.

Remembering the warning, I saw the stones shimmering white again. I wondered why, and there, high in the sky gazing into those stones, they showed me my thoughts. I remembered also trying to lambaste Mormons when I interviewed film director John Moyer in our Aztec Jungle Adventure, which, though it also threatened to end in ruin, was saved when we convinced the natives of our mutual love for Mormons - and Lamanites - by rescuing them from the fiery Pit of Montezuma. Then my thoughts returned to the present, and unbidden forward I saw the great and future city of Zion - and it *was* fair as the moon and terrible as an army with banners - and there as many theaters, art museums, bookstores, and buildings of every type as there were churches. I realized that while I had spoken poorly of Mormons - which made Dutcher begin to go into a seizure as if he might die - I really only want good to come of Mormon cinema, and I complain of the bad because there’s something more wonderful I want in this world. I heard a great Voice, like rushing waters and roaring waves: “Ask film makers for what you want, and you might get it. Better yet, make the films you want. Then the negative will be brought into balance, like Luke Skywalker or the Fox News Network.” I raged. “FOX NEWS NETWORK!? THEY CAN BE JUST AS UNBALANCED AS ANYONE! AND IF LUKE SKYWAKER WAS THE CHOSEN ONE, RETURN OF THE JEDI WAS *NOT* THE CHOSEN FILM!” The stones shimmered black again and Dutcher began some involuntary seizures of panic - the helicopter plummeted. The voice continued. “That last part was a joke. It was in good fun. It wasn’t meant literally at all.” I calmed down and tried to regulate my breathing. Dutcher regained control of the helicopter and the fall slowed. I dared a glance back into the stones. There, deep in the black, I saw the root of my present rages (not to be disclosed here), and that *I* was out of balance. The stones flickered back to white and the helicopter returned to normal flight. Then I wondered, and asked, “Wait, are you saying Return of the Jedi is out of balance?” There was no answer.

Looking through the stones again, out and beyond, down to Utah Valley, I mulled over how to start my interview over again.

Then I realized I have no interview to make, because the only thing I would want to do is twist Dutcher into supporting my lambaste against any one who doesn’t see his newest film. We looked through those stones at the valley and into many future and distant wonders for Mormon cinema, and I came away realizing that the best I can do is just recommend that people go see States of Grace today. So this recollection is by itself my review. States of Grace is a large part of what I want of Mormon cinema, and I want others to see States of Grace.

p.s. Suits on the Loose is out this 3rd I understand. I’ll know whether I like it after I see it.