The film releasing today in which I have my first lines, it’s time I followed up on my promise to write about what persuaded me to act. Following is an abridgement of previously unpublished writing about it.

In June 2003, I was reading a test preparation book which described methods to calm over-anxiety and free up energy to perform well. It suggested vividly recalling moments of past successes, times I did something really well. Doing this for an exam connects feelings of past success to the present, producing a calm confidence. This book asked me to list memories of when I did really well with something and felt really satisfied. Reflecting for a while I came up with many things I did just well enough, but not well, nothing I was satisfied with - until one memory came: haunting and thrilling at the same time.

I was a Nazi. A family for whom I held contempt was hiding or fleeing, and I was carefully, methodically searching for them. I crossed a balcony and my foot caught in a flag draped too far into it. The flag behind me now, I had to shake my foot free of it. After I was free, unaware of myself, I turned around and scowled at the flag.

This memory was of a moment when imagination became me: acting. It was my ensemble character in a community production of The Sound of Music. In the moment, my character responded to a hindrance with a scowl.

This was not all. Later in the very same evening I was watching the television station TNT. In a station promotional a collage of actors talked about acting. Patrick Stewart looked in the eye of the camera, and said: “If you have the drive, energy and focus to make people lean forward in their seat, you’re lucky”. I leaned forward as he said this - which means that Patrick Stewart is lucky - but what else did it mean? A memory flooded back: My mother in the kitchen, I in the playroom, she unaware of my company, appraising the acting skill of all my brothers highly, though particularly me*. Patrick Stewart - or the ghost of his image - wasn’t looking into a camera, he was looking at me, and I knew his message: I am lucky.

This still was not all.

The following morning my wife and I read from a book, (previously disclosed). There is prejudice against books of such topic and title because so many of them are garbage, or have a lot of it in them. But it is not all garbage if you exercise good judgement. I’ll put into my own words what we read, leading up to a quote I definetely remember: People often shun what they really want to do because there is no guarantee of security in it. But is there a guarantee of security in anything? The book answered with a command: “Make no decisions based on security. There is none.”

Before I continue, a caution. I think that strictly this statement is true, but if taken to an extreme (for example by yours truly), it is dangerous. I’ll extrapolate on that danger in just a bit.

There is less risk of insecurity in many vocations, but all vocations bear the risk of insecurity. If you seek a guarantee of security in any course you do so out of fear and denial. The reality is that anyone can fall into misfortune in any pursuit, and it has always been so.

Then if, no matter what you do, you are risking insecurity, why not risk that insecurity for what you truly wish to do?

The absurdness of guarantees aside, there remains the question of risk. There really is more risk in some pursuits than others. Many dreams, and in our society particularly creative ones, bear an overwhelming requirement of entreprenuership.

Which still does not mean that the dreams are impossible or should not be pursued.

As to danger: if you have been in denial of the fact of universal insecurity (by not taking risks), risking everything for an abandoned dream won’t bring you more security: it will worsen it. I’ve made this mistake. Security is created by taking balanced risks. What constitutes a good risk is the real question - which promises of security hides - and which, by the very definition of risk, you can never really know the answer to.

Should you mind statistics? If you go about your creative dreams practically, no. Going about your dream itself alters your chances of success - for will you succeed if you do not try? Moreover, good entreprenuership by definition creates new markets, in the very process damning old statistics and creating new ones.

Inside good entrepreneurship is the question of how to be practical. Any craft, if it is something that has been practiced by men, and sometimes even if it has not been practiced by men: if you practice at it long enough, with feedback and help from others, it becomes practical. Practical to what degree is another question.

The remainder of my old writings to abridge say this, in a nutshell: keep your day job and make your dream a night job until it may become a day job. Also, education will give you a better (sustainable) day job - plus it will make you a better creative person, by having more knowledge of the world and exposure to people (this argument from the book FILM SCHOOL CONFIDENTIAL - though that book cautions that our education is often extremely theory oriented, and detached from reality - so that the workplace is the best place to learn about the world). Another thing - the book THE ARTIST’S WAY - doing the daily pages practice it urges uncovered many of my buried dreams. Daily pages is just three handwritten pages a day of whatever is in your mind - absolutely whatever. I haven’t gotten anywhere near this being daily for me, but I still reap benefit.

Also, and I say this from recent entries and conversations in this blog: much of society trivializes, ridicules, our outright denies the good of imagination, silliness, or artistry (example 1, esp. the comments - example 2 - example 3). If you pursue creative dreams - or as in my case here even write about them, you will face this.

A wise question that was posed to me in an acting class is: what would it cost you, what would it mean to you, not to follow your true dream, if you haven’t yet?

For me, it would mean severe dissatisfaction that I did not do something I might have, and that many have told me pointedly I have a gift for.

I’m just starting - there is very much I still have to do and learn from others in acting. And today, the odds are in my favor.

*But I rate my siblings’ talents so highly! And measurements of talent are subjective.