[Update: this script has been revised and archived here in Adobe Reader format (with this collection of my scripts).]

I’m going to make a short film from this script, which is based on an application I.. um.. found..

INTERVIEWER
Sit down.
APPLICANT
Erm.. do you.. is this an interview?
INTERVIEWER
(instant explosion)
I ASK THE QUESTIONS!!!

The applicant sits down.

INTERVIEWER.
Very well. Let’s see then (reading the application).. onto question 1.. Have you ever lied?
APPLICANT
Um.. (beat) no.
INTERVIEWER
(instant explosion)
LIAR!!
APPLICANT
UMM - I - I.. I lied once.

The interviewer pauses to examine her like a curious dog.

INTERVIEWER
Hmm. Once before now?
APPLICANT
.. Yes.
INTERVIEWER
Very interesting. Question 2: Although this question has no bearing on whether you will be flaggelated, we are required to ask it. Please try to answer the question in the way that would best please Satan. Satan would be pleased if you answered yes. Satan may, at any time and without warning or reason, flaggelate you nonetheless. Satan disclaims all liability for punishment from God. Have you ever commited a felony?
APPLICANT
No.
INTERVIEWER
Answer this question correctly and avoid flaggelation: Have you ever consciously considered cause and effect?
APPLICANT
Um.. no.
INTERVIEWER
Very good! We like them that way! Creatures of passion, not of the mind! Very, very good! I mean bad!
APPLICANT
Um.. thank you.
INTERVIEWER
Have you at any time believed that you could change?
APPLICANT
Um.. yes.
INTERVIEWER
Wrong.
APPLICANT
I mean no.
INTERVIEWER
But you just did change, didn’t you?
APPLICANT
Um.. yes.
INTERVIEWER
See, isn’t that interesting, because you knew it was the wrong answer. Which is okay, we’re all about that, as long as we’re doing the changing. That’s what we do in hell, we change people.
APPLICANT
Um.. okay.
INTERVIEWER
Explain the vanity of explaining the vanity of attempting to change.
APPLICANT
Um, well, this is how it’s been explained to me by your nice receptionist -
INTERVIEWER
Very nice, isn’t she? Very devilish I think.
APPLICANT
Um, yeah, but anyway, as I understand it, if changing is in itself vain, then explaining that changing is vain is in itself also vain. I think.
INTERVIEWER
That’s right, though I wish you’d figured it out with your own brains.
APPLICANT
(afraid)
WELL, but as I think back on my life, every time I tried to change it was futile, so I HAVE resigned myself pretty much to the idea that even thinking about change is vain. So I think I’m very nearly ready for Hell.
INTERVIEWER
Very nearly?
APPLICANT
Well, yes. All I need is to sign my soul over to you so that I can’t have it back, barring, as I understand it, revision of my soul.
INTERVIEWER
NO ONE CAN CHANGE YOUR SOUL!
APPLICANT
(confusion, then epiphany)
.. You said somewhere in here that Hell is about changing.
INTERVIEWER
WELL OF COURSE IT IS, BUT **WE** DO THE CHANGING!! WE **MAKE** PEOPLE CHANGE!!
APPLICANT
..All right then. Please do the next question.
INTERVIEWER
Did you ever think that you could actually influence anybody else?
APPLICANT
No.
INTERVIEWER
Let’s see, question seven..

(coughs, then rising anger)
Do you or do you not understand these questions?! Answer immediately.
APPLICANT
(haste)
I understand these questions.
INTERVIEWER
Give a detailed response to this question: If you really understood the answers to these questions, why would we need to ask them? Answer me!!
APPLICANT
Because even though it is not necessary to explain or justify anything, it is necessary only for the sake of communication to those with total power over me to give rote resignation to my ultimate destiny in Hell, without asking any questions at all.
INTERVIEWER
(impressed pause)
That’s the best explanation I’ve ever heard.

The applicant gives a grim smile.

INTERVIEWER
(sudden infatuation)
Will you marry me?
APPLICANT
In Hell.

The interviewer is very excited at this.

INTERVIEWER
One remaining item before I witness your signature.

He hands the application to her.

INTERVIEWER
List what you have stolen. Do not lie unless to question one, “have you ever lied”, you answered “no”. If you answered “no”, you are a liar. If you answered that you have lied, how are we to believe you? Be advised that such a mistake may have forced us to flaggelate you further. Additionally, you will have one stripe for every stolen item. You will have ten further stripes for every item you do not list but which we believe you probably stole anyway.

The applicant considers these words while listing what she has stolen. Her eyes also move down to some fine print.

APPLICANT
Um.. so you say that if I answer no that I did not lie, I am a liar, but if I answer yes that I have lied, you ask how you are to believe me, implying that once I have lied I can never be regarded as honest again. So.. this goes back.. to all things being vain.. this print down here, you didn’t read this print to me! “We are required to ‘admit’ that God can save you from a fate in Hell, though as far as we are aware, such an outrageous claim has not yet been proven”! .. you didn’t read this to me! There is a possibility that I might not be here?! You witheld this information from me! You, you

(temper rises and she gains control)
You lied.

Hell itself rumbles and quakes, and the interviewer looks petrified. A beam of light breaks over the applicant’s head and she insantly rises out of hell and into heaven.

INTERVIEWER
FIE!! FIE!! FIE YOU HEAVENS, FIE!!

THE END